Direct Answer

First off....I have a computer! Yay. For the first time in 6 months my desk top is set up and I could not be more excited. I am grateful for my phone and Ipad, but the computer is my blogging friend. So hopefully there will be more posts in the future now.

This past week was kind of rough. Sunday in particular. We were getting ready for our 9:00 church and it was looking like we were going to be late again. The morning had not gone well. I felt...FELT...like Scott was not helping as much as he should have. (I'm battling a few baby blues hormones, and poor hubby gets the brunt of it.) Kids weren't listening, I'm the only one that can feed baby, church bag needed to be packed, my dress clothes aren't fitting right, blah blah blah. It seemed never ending. The straw that broke the camels back was the fit that Beckett and Cache were throwing as we were walking out the door. I don't even remember what it was about, but I was mad. I threw my  hands in the air exclaiming I was done. We were not going to church until everyone could figure out how to get along, be happy and enjoy being a family. Scott took Tayden and Kyle out to the car while I sat in with the two middle ones. Blood boiling. Kids crying. Finally, they stopped and we went out to the car. Off to church. Late again.

At church we listened to some great testimonies and learned about what it means to truly follow the prophet. That if I really believe he is the living prophet today that speaks for Jesus Christ, do I learn his works? Do I listen to him in conference? Are we following his command? Well, considering I just had a baby during conference weekend, I didn't listen to as much as I should have. So I made a goal during Sunday School to read the talks.

The day went on and my mood never improved. In fact it got worse. Monday rolled around and I was still angry. I kept asking myself over and over what the point was of even trying. I try to teach the kids to listen, but it seems like a never ending job. I try to make the home a happy place, but there are still people unhappy. I want to teach the boys scriptures, love, about Jesus and how to act properly. I want the spirit to abide in my home. I want it a place were we are safe from the outside world. I want so much for my home, but felt as though I was doing it alone. So I contemplated and contemplated what the point was. Why was I trying if nobody else was. I was frustrated. Sometimes I think of the things I have on my plate and get overwhelmed at the amount of responsibility I have.

Monday evening, Scott was out pulling weeds and  I was feeding Kyle and putting the other boys to bed. I had an overwhelming feeling to start reading the conference talks. I didn't want to. I was still mad. Still trying to figure things out. But the feeling never went away, so I read. The first talk on my list was "Filling Our Home with Light and Truth" by Cheryl Epslin. I laughed at the ironic title, knowing there was something for me in the talk. What happened next was amazing. I received direct answer to my un-uttered prayer.

The talk speaks about two pop cans. One full, one empty. The empty one can be crushed when squeezed by a single hand. The full can cannot be moved. It stands strong because it is full. Likened to our homes, when our homes are full of truth and light, it will be able to withstand the outside pressures and influences of the world. When it is empty, we have no protection. That object lesson really hit home to me. It painted the perfect picture of my ultimate goal for my home and family.

I continued to read and was dumbfounded when I came across these words,

"Strong eternal families and Spirit-filled homes do not just happen. They take great effort, they take time, and they take each member of the family doing his or her part. Every home is different, but every home where even one individual seeks for truth can make a difference."

Those were the words I needed to hear. It is going to be hard. It going to be rough. It is going to be a never ending job. A strong family and spirit filled home will not just happen, it is going to take continually effort. And sometimes I am going to feel alone in my quest. But even one person can make a difference.

I sorted out through my emotions and talked to Scott. He was completely oblivious to my internal struggle. He knew I was upset, but didn't know the cause. I realized he had nothing to do with it and was in fact trying harder than I give him credit for. I realized that nobody else is in charge of my feelings except for me. And all I could do is worry about how I am affecting the home. Whether for good or not.

I received a direct answer from my loving Heavenly Father. Over my two day or self pity, I never prayed. I asked questions and tried to work it out on my own, but I never prayed. Heavenly Father was aware of me still. He loves me enough to send this talk to me when I needed it more than anything. We hear that most often our prayers are answered through scriptures and other writings and this case is no different. I felt his arms wrapped around me giving me encouragement and showing me what the point to all of this is.

I am so grateful for this life lesson. I have reflected on it all week and am blown away that I had direct blessing from above. He is aware of us and our trials, whether big or small. And what a wonderful gift.

So now, I will try. I will never give up. And I will know that even when I feel alone, I know I am not. Because he is aware of me. And he loves me. And HE is the point of it all.